I feel so much safer in Albuquerque these days now that our Governor, Michelle Lujan Grisham, has sent the National Guard to help put down a virtual insurrection of crime throughout this city. Wow, the National Guard, a group so fearsome and lethal, she dared not send them to southern New Mexico to defend our border.
While I’m not one to be manipulated by politically-inspired fearmongering, I see why it is so necessary that outside protection be brought in to keep us safe. We need to ensure that for every homeless vagabond who passes out on a sidewalk, three Albuquerque police officers can still be dispatched to watch his sleeping carcass. Any less would be a crime in and of itself.
Though I had my trepidations when I heard of her plan, I was soon assuaged of my fears that an out-of-control militia would soon be roaming the streets upending garbage cans, firing semi-automatic weapons into the air, and drunkenly harassing old people on the way to the mall. But our intrepid Mayor Tim Keller stepped up to the microphone to calm our jittery nerves by telling us in no uncertain terms that our National Guard members would be wearing polo shirts and would NOT be driving around in large military vehicles. I breathed easier.
For a moment there I thought we’d become Gotham City and badly needed Batman to come in and straighten things out.
But as a worried citizen, may I make some suggestions to aid this show of force in a city which has defunded the police, elected bushels of liberal judges, and simultaneously become a sanctuary city/county/state/etc.?
I think I express the obvious when I say polo shirts are a no-go when confronting criminals. If you’re going to propagate the fear and respect that has bald-headed felons hiding under their bed, you need muscle shirts. Black muscle shirts preferably with a pack of hard pack Marlboros rolled into their right sleeve. That means business in my book. Polo shirts? Are we trying to scare people on the golf course?
Since the Mayor has said no large and menacing military vehicles would be used by our National Guard may I suggest they get around in the joyous Mini Cooper or the less formidable Smart car. Either one projects an aura of calm yet with a no-nonsense approach to law enforcement and global environmentalism.
In all, I am glad our good Governor has taken pity on our plight and forcefully decided to do something about it. Albuquerque has so many hardened criminals these days, we’re almost a cement factory of evil.
Finally, we can rest easy at night.
© Clyde James Aragon